Whether its a quick chat or a full-on debrief, communication has definitely become harder.
Communication during the postpartum period takes on a whole new set of challenges. Couples need to communicate about all kinds of things big and small: baby’s feeding and sleep needs, household tasks, work schedules, taking the dog to the groomers, grocery shopping, all the things that it takes to make a household function. They also communicate about baby. Did you see that smile? Look how cute she looks in this picture! I don’t think he liked the green beans. What about communication about us? I love seeing you as a dad. Isn’t this parent thing so crazy and amazing? Let’s go here for vacation, that will be so fun. But also: I miss you. Are you hearing me? The way you said that didn’t make me feel good. I feel like you only criticize me. Do you know how hard I work for our family?
We communicate to meet all sorts of different needs. Needs for comfort, belonging, acceptance, problem solving, and connection. Oftentimes when I work with couples, one of the first concerns they bring up are ‘communication difficulties.’ This can feel vague and discouraging for couples. What exactly is the communication breakdown and how do we fix it?
What’s actually happening here?
I like to think of communication by asking these three questions. What is your partner asking for? What do they feel? And did I acknowledge the need? Do you ever feel like you and your spouse are speaking two different languages? Like you’re asking for a listening ear and you get solutions instead? Or you’re feeling really nervous and they read irritability instead? Oftentimes, when our partner starts to communicate with us, we’re already answering questions and formulating our own response in our head. When we do this, we run the risk of missing the point of what they’re sharing with us. Successful communication has two parts: clear transmission and accurate receipt of information. We need to have a way to check that our information is accurate before we respond.
What is your partner asking for? Do they need solutions or just comfort? Have they genuinely asked for your help with problem solving, or do they just need to know that you are on their team? A helpful hint: it’s actually a great idea to check in about this if you’re unsure.
What do they feel? We’re not just listening for what they have said, but what emotions they may be experiencing. This allows us to meet our loved ones with empathy. Empathy is the ability to connect with the emotion in you that connects with the emotion in them. Are they fearful? Chances are you’ve been scared before too. You have everything you need to join them and resonate with the emotion. Are they excited? You’ve got stuff you’re excited about in life too! Empathy is all about closing the distance and witnessing, being with, and validating the emotional experience of another. This process builds emotional trust and commitment in relationships and doesn’t require you to solve a single problem.
Lastly, did I acknowledge the need? Let’s be honest. Sometimes in parenthood, our needs have to wait. The baby started crying, dinner is cooking, in-laws are knocking at the door, the work meeting ran late. Parenthood requires flexibility and we can’t always meet needs on the spot. Here’s what’s most important: sharing that “I hear you, I understand, and we are in this together.” Drs. John and Julie Gottman refer to this process as “turning toward bids for connection.” When our spouse attempts to connect with us (over something large or small), according to the Gottman institute we have a few different options. We can turn toward the bid: acknowledging the need for connection, affirmation, or reassurance even if we can’t meet it in the moment. We can turn away: noticing the bid but not responding to it. Maybe you’re scrolling on your phone or don’t look up from the TV. Or we can turn against: snapping back, criticizing your partner’s needs, turning it back to you. When we consistently turn toward bids for connection, we build emotional trust, feelings of fondness and positivity, and decrease the impact of future conflict. When we turn away or against consistently, we deplete these resources at an alarming rate. What is your partner asking for? What do they feel? Did I acknowledge the need?
What if its not that easy for us?
Here’s the reality. I understand that this is not a one-size-fits-all approach. Sometimes there area reasons why these communication breakdowns keep happening. Maybe this resentment has been building for a long time. Its not just about baby or being tired, its about feeling unknown, unappreciated, or unseen. Maybe you’re beyond wanting to express your needs or are so deep in the frustration that its hard to receive your partner’s bids for connection. This is a painful experience, but can be treated. Do you feel like you might benefit from extra tools and support? We’ve got a few different resources that can help.
First is our Bringing Baby Home couple’s workshop. This is an educational course (not therapy) designed to help couples build the necessary communication and conflict management tools to handle the stress of early parenthood with more ease and less stress.
Second is customized couple’s treatment. This can range from a few-hour personalized intensive to short-term goal-focused treatment, to long-term maintenance care. Your relationship is worth the investment and help is available.